Why Forgiveness is Essential for Men in Christian Life (Not an Option)
Dean and Tom chat about the spiritual and emotional cost of holding grudges—and the path to freedom
Tom Hornacek and Dean Patterson sat down and confronted a topic many avoid but few escape: forgiveness.
“Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s a decision,” Hornacek said early in the episode, setting the tone for a conversation. If forgiveness depends on emotion, it rarely happens. If it is a decision, it becomes unavoidable.
A Command, Not a Suggestion
The hosts anchored their discussion in the Lord’s Prayer and Gospel teachings, particularly the stark warning that divine forgiveness is tied to human forgiveness. Patterson admitted the implication is unsettling.
“If we do not forgive others, neither will our heavenly Father forgive us,” Tom said, calling it “a big one… because forgiveness is not always easy.”
Hornacek reinforced the point with parables and scripture, emphasizing that forgiveness is not presented as optional behavior for Christians. It is an expectation.
“It’s not an option. For followers of Christ, refusing to forgive is a sin,” he said.
The framing shifts forgiveness from a therapeutic suggestion to a moral requirement. In their telling, the issue is less about emotional closure and more about obedience.
The Weight of Unforgiveness
The hosts described unforgiveness as corrosive, both spiritually and physically. Hornacek compared it to self-inflicted harm.
“Unforgiveness is drinking the poison, hoping the other person will die,” he said.
Patterson offered a personal example: one day he realized he carried a list of 19 individuals whom he had never fully forgiven. Some were long dead.
“They don’t even know I’m thinking about them… and I’m carrying that,” he said.
The person most affected by unforgiveness is the one holding it. The grievance may feel justified, but its long-term effect is internal confinement.
Hornacek described it more bluntly.
“It slowly saps our strength, steals our joy, and imprisons us,” he said.
Why Forgiveness Fails
The hosts identified several barriers that prevent forgiveness from taking root. Pride emerged as the primary obstacle.
“How can you expect me to forgive? Do you know what they did to me?” Hornacek said. “There’s a belief that forgiving will make us vulnerable,” he said. And we fear that weakness.
Then there’s doubt. Some wounds appear too deep to release. Many men would settle on saying, “No one could ever forgive what he did to me,” Hornacek said.
Each barrier reinforces the others. Pride protects identity, fear protects safety, and doubt protects the narrative that the offense is unforgivable. Together, they form a closed loop.
Forgiveness Without Reconciliation
A key distinction emerged as the discussion progressed: forgiveness does not guarantee reconciliation.
“Forgiveness takes two people—you and God. Reconciliation takes three,” Hornacek said.
This difference allows for boundaries, even after forgiveness has been extended. A relationship may remain fractured, and that does not invalidate the act of forgiving.
Patterson described attempts to repair relationships that did not yield mutual restoration.
“That doesn’t guarantee that we’re going to have a rosy relationship,” he said. “That isn’t the point.”
The point is alignment with a higher command rather than interpersonal success.
A Process, Not a Moment
The hosts resisted the idea that forgiveness is a one-time event. Instead, they described it as layered, requiring repetition.
“We must forgive again and again,” Hornacek said, referencing the biblical “seventy times seven.”
But it’s true: old wounds resurface. Emotional reactions return. Each instance becomes another decision point.
Patterson acknowledged the ongoing nature of the effort. “I have to go back and realize… right, I haven’t forgiven yet,” he said.
Forgiveness becomes a discipline rather than a milestone.
From Victim to Freedom
The conversation shifted toward identity, contrasting a “victim mentality” with a sense of spiritual purpose. Hornacek used the example of Jesus, who endured injustice without adopting the identity of a victim.
“For all appearances, Jesus was a victim… but he remembered who he was,” he said.
If a person defines themselves by the offense, forgiveness feels like surrender. If identity rests elsewhere, forgiveness becomes possible.
The hosts described freedom as the outcome. “When you forgive, that unlocks your freedom,” Hornacek said.
Practical Steps: Action begins before comfort
Despite the weight of the topic, the episode closed with practical suggestions. Start small. Initiate conversation. Ask direct questions.
“I must have said or done something… please tell me what it is so I can apologize,” Hornacek suggested as an opening line.
Patterson echoed the emphasis on action, even without resolution. “Just find a way to open the door… and see where that gets you,” he said. “I’m not good at it yet,” he admits.
Forgiveness, in their telling, is not a solved problem but a recurring challenge, one tied to identity, belief, and daily choice.