Why Is It So Hard for Men to Say Yes?

Why is it that we men often focus so much on the cost or inconvenience of committing to serve others or the Church?

At Heroic Men, so many ministries to men all accept that it is just a given that men are hard to get engaged. I see it all the time, and I bet you do too. Your church needs new finance committee members or other volunteers, or you want a few guys to help an older woman update her house.

I am no different. I often think first of how it’s going to take away from my time and eat into my leisure. I often think, “I am not the right one. They need to get another guy more qualified.”

That mindset almost cost me a new level of friendship with God and new insights about Him and about me.

I said “yes” to serve in a ministry despite my brain screaming, “Don’t do it!”

One big insight: They probably could have gotten someone else more qualified, but by just showing up, God is actually the one doing His work through us. In my case, He worked through me even though I wasn’t fully on board.

“I Don’t Feel Called to That”

Seventeen years ago, I was approached by one of the founding leaders of the Twin Cities Residents Encountering Christ (REC) prison ministry. I knew her well. She was in my parish. I knew very little about the prison ministry.

But, being a guy, I turned her down almost before she had finished her invitation.

“I don’t feel called to that.”

I didn’t even give it a minute to discern. And that was that.

But she approached me again and asked me to pray. I declined again.

She approached again. Then again.

I was so annoyed that if I knew she was in the church, I ran the other way. After all, what did a little, judgmental guy from the suburbs of Milwaukee have in common with any of these guys locked in maximum-security prison?

She Finally Wore Me Down

After two years of declining, she asked me again.

She wore me down.

I decided to agree to serve in the next weekend retreat. But I had a plan.

I can’t believe I am saying yes to this, but once the retreat ends, I can tell her that I tried, but I am just not what God has in mind for me.

It was the only way I could get her off my back.

The REC retreats are a two-day encounter with Christ that starts well before the actual events. I endured all the prayer and preparation knowing this was my one, and only, retreat.

The two-day weekend event happens inside the prison and follows a carefully and prayerfully executed process to help inmates die to self, then rise to new life in Christ. It is a powerful, life-changing weekend for many of the men.

Then I Walked Into Stillwater Prison

Retreat weekend came.

I was assigned as a table leader to six inmates, four of whom were serving at least one life sentence.

I put on my best face, but I was equal parts annoyed, intimidated, and terrified to be there. Stillwater Prison could easily be where the movie Shawshank Redemption was filmed.

Getting seated and meeting each other, I felt surprise and a little confusion.

The kindness the inmates showed each other and to me was almost over the top. I felt totally respected.

Two hours into the retreat, at our first break, one of the inmates asked, since my eyesight was an issue, could he get me some coffee?

When I thought I could do it, he said he would come with me this time since the pots didn’t always cooperate and he didn’t want me to spill everywhere.

These Were Beloved Sons of God

I learned quickly that these guys were just that—beloved sons of God—and they were pouring out their hearts and efforts to get everything they could to build their friendship with Jesus.

They instantly accepted us, trusted us, and they were desperate for brotherhood.

That weekend shook me to the core.

Given the two years I avoided the call to serve, now I felt unworthy. God was showing me how much He loved them—and me too.

I felt ashamed, and I worked like crazy to hide how overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit I was.

I went into the retreat only looking at the cost and the other things I could be doing with my time. I realized quickly that God gave me a front-row seat to His plan of love and mercy to some of the most despised people on the planet.

Fifteen Years Later, They’re Still My Brothers

Fast forward 15 years. Several of these inmates continue to be some of the best Christian brothers I have met.

That includes that guy who offered to get me coffee on my first retreat.

When we aren’t on retreat, our ministry goes into the prisons twice a month, and we spend 90 minutes in praise, prayer, Bible study, and testimonies. We often bring a video series in and teach and lead small groups to keep them engaged.

I am loving the ministry and can’t see myself not involved.

We get regulars and new guys who hopefully return. Their relationship to God and each other endures despite the reality that these guys are in cells for most of the day, for years, and are lonely and afraid.

They live in conditions and with other violent inmates challenged by mental health issues and hate in their hearts. Despite all this, the REC men have built a brotherhood and are rising above the terrible stuff that goes on as normal every day.

God somehow allowed me to be part of this.

FEATURE

You Aren’t Being Recruited to Work in a Prison

Why am I telling you this?

You aren’t being recruited to work in the prisons.

But our world has need for men like you to say “yes” to reaching men who have created a prison of their own making.

The men’s crisis of isolation and loneliness has them bound.

Lonely and alone is not how God created us to live. It’s not healthy. Studies show the impact of this crisis is hard on our physical and mental health. It increases premature death by 30%, increases dementia by 40%, and affects the body in other ways to the equivalent of smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

So What Are Men Doing With Their Time?

Sports viewing and gambling are up dramatically, as is video gaming.

But the greatest addiction of all is now to pornography. It is estimated that 70% of church-attending men regularly engage it, and it’s even higher outside the Church.

What is worse, less than three in 10 Catholic men attend Mass weekly. That certainly means they aren’t leading their families and handing down the faith.

These isolated men live in convenience, but I believe they hunger for a more purposeful life.

They are like lost sheep that need a shepherd to bring them back to the flock.

Just like inmates, God isn’t giving up on them even though they are addicted, wasting time on screens, and worse.

These men need a brother like you to say “yes” and invite them back.

Your “Yes” Can Start With the Heroic Pledge

We’ll make it easy with the Heroic Pledge: Be one in a million by 2033 who prays daily, then once a week invites a man to meet, and then invites a man to also take the Pledge once a month.

Men, resist the temptation to blow this off as an interruption.

Many of you are already doing these things, and the Pledge won’t add more.

Instead of cost to you, think of the investment and your obedience to Christ’s call to build His Church.

Agree to take the Pledge, and I trust you will experience, as I did, that God is moving and He will do the work.

We only need to say “yes” to the invitation.

Take the Pledge by going to Heroicmen.org. Open the red Pledge banner on the top of the home page and complete the form.

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I Said “No” to God for Two Years. Then One…