‘Don’t Be a Nice Guy. Be a Good Man’: Pete Burak’s Rules for a Life of Courage
The Renewal Ministries leader says authentic manhood is formed through daily virtue, family adventure, quick forgiveness, purposeful brotherhood, faithful suffering and time alone with God.
The standard Pete Burak learned from his father was simple, memorable and demanding:
“Don’t be a nice guy. Be a good man.”
Burak, vice president of Renewal Ministries and author of “A Man on Purpose: 10 Rules of Life From a Faithful Father,” joined Tom Hornichek and Dean Patterson on “Men Answering the Heroic Call” to discuss the lessons his father passed down to him.
The phrase about goodness came from “Wild at Heart,” a book by John Eldredge that Burak and his father read together while Burak was in high school. It soon became a repeated challenge between them.
“We actually got in the habit of reminding each other: ‘Hey, don’t be a nice guy. Be a good man. Don’t be a nice guy. Be a good man,’” Burak said.
That distinction shaped the way Burak came to understand virtue, fatherhood, friendship, suffering and the purpose of a man’s life.
A nice man may avoid conflict, remain agreeable and leave little impact. A good man develops virtue and acts from it, even when doing so demands courage, sacrifice or discomfort.
“God forbid we are ever just described as a nice guy,” Burak said. “When you hear that, it almost always is accompanied with a shrug. It’s like, ‘Oh yeah, he’s a nice guy.’”
“There’s nothing powerful about a nice guy. There’s nothing dangerous about a nice guy. There’s nothing impactful. There’s nothing dynamic about a nice guy.”
Burak clarified that men are still called to kindness. But kindness alone is not the full measure of Christian manhood.
“Men are called to be good,” he said. “And to be good is to be virtuous and to be holy and to cultivate all of the virtues.”
Good Men Change the World — Quietly or Publicly
When virtue is cultivated and expressed through masculine strength, Burak said, it can produce extraordinary courage.
“It leads to the greatest inventions in all of history. It leads to the soldiers storming Normandy Beach. It leads to the great heroes of our society, both in and out of the church,” he said.
“When good men develop and cultivate virtue, live in harmony with those virtues and make decisions governed by virtue, amazing things happen in both our lives and in society.”
That does not mean every man is called to perform a dramatic act that will be remembered publicly.
Some of the most heroic men, Burak said, will never receive awards, monuments or recognition. Their heroism is found in consistently loving their wives, raising their children, serving their communities and resisting sin.
“Some of the most heroic men in society are those who are just good day in and day out — loving their family, loving their children, loving their community, serving and giving of themselves,” he said.
“Nobody is going to put up a statue of them someday, but they’re diligent. They’re aware of who they are in the Lord, and they’re going for it. They’re doing it with joy and peace, and they’re fighting the battle against sin and darkness.”
The reward for that hidden faithfulness is not necessarily earthly recognition.
“When any of us repent, follow virtue, decide to be good and live the Jesus-shaped life that is discipleship, that sets off a party in heaven,” Burak said.
“At the end of our lives, when we hear those amazing words, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your master,’ that comes from goodness, not from niceness.”
The Greatest Adventure May Be Inside Your Home
Burak also challenged the assumption that adventure must involve mountains, danger or distant places.
Christians, he said, are already living inside a great adventure because they are pilgrims moving toward a destination beyond this life.
“This church teaches us that we are a pilgrim people, that we were made for union with God in heaven for all eternity,” he said. “This life, while good and beautiful and a great gift, is passing.”
“Life is short. It’s like a passing shadow — here today, gone tomorrow. It’s like a gust of wind.”
That knowledge allows Christians to commit themselves fully to the present while remembering where their lives are headed.
“The ultimate adventure of life is heaven,” Burak said. “It is the journey passing through death to life and, hopefully, into eternal life.”
That spiritual longing can also shape the way men approach ordinary responsibilities.
Climbing Mount Everest is clearly adventurous, Burak said, but so is welcoming children and building a family.
“You think Mount Everest is full of cracks and crevices and twists and turns, and you don’t know when an avalanche is going to hit you? Try having a baby,” he said. “Try having two babies. Try raising a family.”
“The avalanches of life that come there — talk about the adventure of actually molding a human being.”
Fatherhood requires a man to walk with his wife, care for his children and help form their minds, hearts and characters.
“That is an incredible responsibility,” Burak said. “Talk about adventurous. You have no idea what’s going to happen each day.”
The problem, he said, is that people often minimize ordinary life while idolizing dramatic achievements.
The same distortion can affect the way Catholics view the saints. They remember miracles, martyrdoms and extraordinary acts but overlook the years of hidden faithfulness that made those moments possible.
“Those saints lived day in, day out, faithful, boring, hidden, small lives of faithfulness that prepared them and allowed them to participate in the big moments,” Burak said.
The sweetest part of life for the saints, he suggested, was probably not the extraordinary moment. It was the daily walk with God.
Burak compared that experience to athletes who spend years pursuing a championship, only to discover that their deepest memories come from the journey.
“What they look back on is, ‘I loved the days in the locker room with my teammates. I loved the weight-room sessions that built up to those epic moments,’” he said.
“The adventure of life mostly is how you see it, how you frame it and the willingness to embrace, sink our teeth into and go all in on the day-to-day.”
Three Words That Can Heal a Family
One of the most important practices Burak’s parents gave their children was a clear language of forgiveness.
His family did not stop with a casual apology. They were taught to say what they had done, express sorrow and then ask a direct question:
“Will you forgive me?”
That question, Burak said, is far more vulnerable than simply saying, “I’m sorry.”
“The reality is we’re all going to do things to each other that wound each other,” he said. “We’re going to hurt each other, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally.”
“In a family in particular, there will be times of strife. There will be times of disagreement. Sinful behavior will enter into the equation. It’s not if. It’s when.”
His parents understood the importance of extending and receiving forgiveness rather than remaining at the surface level.
“It’s actually not that hard to say, ‘I’m sorry,’” Burak said. “It’s a lot harder to actually be vulnerable and say, ‘Will you forgive me?’”
Burak and his brother were expected to complete the exchange. One would ask for forgiveness, and the other would answer, “Yes, I forgive you.”
The process often ended with a side hug, sometimes accompanied by a brotherly nudge in the ribs.
Forgiveness, Burak emphasized, is not merely an emotion.
“Forgiveness is not a feeling, just like love is not exclusively a feeling,” he said. “It’s a decision.”
He also distinguished forgiveness from reconciliation. A person can choose to forgive even when complete reconciliation is not possible, particularly in situations involving serious harm or abuse.
“Jesus extends forgiveness from the cross: ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do,’” Burak said. “The Pharisees weren’t asking for forgiveness. He was just extending it.”
Forgiveness is not optional for Christians, he added.
“It’s a disposition of the heart, and it’s a command from God,” Burak said. “Jesus tells us to forgive.”
The practice prevents resentment from taking root inside a family.
“A lot of times what happens in a family is there’s real harm that’s done, and then you don’t address it,” he said. “You just let it sit, and it festers and festers and festers.”
Years later, the unresolved wound may erupt with far greater force.
“Forgiveness cuts through that,” Burak said. “It establishes a new pathway of love. It establishes a new connection, and it waters down the ability for resentment and festering wounds.”
Men Need Friends Who Desire Their Good
A man cannot become who God created him to be in isolation, Burak said.
Men are made for relationship with God, their wives and children, but they also need friendships with other men.
“We need people who are running with us, who can speak into our lives in different ways, who can provide different perspectives, who we can enjoy, who we can work with and who we can serve with,” he said.
Burak pointed to Aristotle’s understanding of true friendship: not merely enjoying another person or benefiting from an exchange, but sincerely desiring the other person’s good.
“To have other men who say, ‘I want you to flourish, and you want me to flourish’ — every guy needs some guys like that,” he said.
Those friendships may be formed through a structured small group or through informal relationships with men who have permission to ask difficult questions.
“I have a bunch of men in my life who have access to me, and I have access to them,” Burak said. “There’s no BS between the two of us.”
“When we talk, we share, and we ask each other hard questions when we need to. But we also enjoy each other’s company.”
Those friendships influence more than the men themselves. Children need to see other adults living the faith with conviction and joy.
“They need adults other than you who are demonstrating, living and modeling the faith,” Burak said. “It’s so important that young people see their parents live it, but they also need to see their parents’ friends live it.”
They need respected adults who confirm that a life of faith is “true and good and normal and right and joyful.”
For husbands and fathers, however, brotherhood can easily fall to the bottom of the priority list.
“It’s never going to feel convenient, and it’s never going to feel efficient,” Burak said. “It’s going to feel like, ‘Oh my gosh, I need one more thing like I need another hole in the head.’”
Still, the time invested in brotherhood consistently produces benefits.
“It always pays dividends, but it never feels like it will,” he said. “It shouldn’t be a ‘have to.’ It should be, ‘This is part of my routine. This is who I am. Therefore, it’s not so much up for debate. I need brothers, period.’”
Brotherhood Is Built Shoulder to Shoulder
Church leaders may struggle to draw men into community because they begin with the wrong invitation, Burak said.
Men generally do not bond face to face. They bond shoulder to shoulder.
“It’s a tough sell for guys to say, ‘Hey, come sit in a basement and talk to each other about faith. Let’s sit in a circle and connect,’” he said.
Men may be more willing to build a deck, complete a service project, play a sport or work toward a shared objective.
“The best bonding I’ve had with some of the guys in my life was when we were on a sports team together,” Burak said. “Why are we bonding on a sports team? Because we have a common mission.”
Successful teams do not begin by staring at one another until they feel connected. They begin by training, sweating and pursuing something together.
“The reason you show up to that practice eventually is for your brothers,” Burak said. “But originally, it’s because I want to win. I want to be great. I want to be part of this team that has a bigger purpose than myself.”
Church ministries, he said, often lead with connection instead of presenting men with a compelling vision and a mission worth accomplishing.
“When we accomplish something together, a lot of times the byproduct of that is connection,” Burak said.
His father developed some of his strongest friendships while golfing on Saturday mornings. After spending hours together over several months, the men were ready to take the next step.
“It was like, ‘Hey guys, do you want to go do a Bible study on Tuesday morning?’” Burak said. “Now the guys are like, ‘Yeah,’ because we’ve already become friends.”
Eventually, when one of those men became sick, the others rallied around him and his family.
“That’s a lot of times how men’s ministries really thrive,” Burak said. “It’s more focused on an outcome and accomplishing something, and then letting connection flow from it.”
A Pizza, a Movie and an Open Door
Hornichek offered a practical example from his own experience.
He finished a room above his garage and began inviting men over for pizza, beer and a movie. Some of the men would never attend a traditional men’s group, but they were willing to come for an informal evening.
After the movie, the men talked.
“They think, ‘Pizza and beer and a movie? I’ll do that,’” Hornichek said. “But then afterward, we start talking. We start to become friends, know each other, and there’s fellowship.”
It often takes several of those gatherings before a man is ready to attend something more explicitly focused on faith.
Hornichek said the same principle can apply to evangelization in a neighborhood. Christians can begin by opening their homes, sharing meals and trusting the Holy Spirit to guide the relationships.
“The Gospel comes with a house key,” he said. “Coming together, having people over and having a meal.”
“Do I want to do it sometimes? No. But we’ve got to do it.”
Burak agreed that men often connect through a shared focus outside themselves.
He recalled sitting beside strangers at football games and feeling a bond form through a few high-fives after touchdowns.
“I don’t know anything about him, but we were both cheering,” Burak said. “We were both focused on something outside of ourselves, and there’s a connection that’s born there.”
He pointed to the soldiers portrayed in “Band of Brothers.” They did not begin as lifelong friends prepared to die for one another. Their connection was forged through training, hardship and a mission.
“They learn to suffer together,” Burak said. “Next thing you know, they’re all in, and they would literally lay down their lives for each other.”
“At the beginning of their relationship, if you had said, ‘You’re going to lay down your life for this guy over there,’ they’d be like, ‘I don’t think I will.’ By the end, it’s not even a question.”
The Christian Witness of Suffering Well
The conversation then turned to one of the hardest rules for any man to accept: suffering is unavoidable.
“It’s not a question of if you’ll suffer,” Burak said. “It’s really a question of when.”
The key, he said, is knowing that Jesus has an opinion and a plan for every suffering.
Sometimes God may resolve suffering immediately through a miracle.
“The Lord still moves in miraculous ways,” Burak said. “He can heal suffering, and we should ask for that right now, today.”
Christians can pray honestly: “Lord, do you want to heal this? Because if you do, please do.”
At other times, healing may come through medicine, the passage of time or another ordinary means.
“And then sometimes his opinion and plan for suffering is to resolve it in heaven,” Burak said.
For those who are in Christ, he added, all suffering will ultimately be resolved.
When suffering is united to Jesus, God can use it to purify a person, draw him closer, keep him humble and teach him dependence.
That does not mean suffering will feel joyful while it is happening.
“Very rarely do we experience suffering as a joyful thing in the moment,” Burak said. “It’s very often an action of the will to keep saying, ‘Lord, this is hard. I don’t like this. This is painful, but I’m going to keep giving it to you.’”
Sometimes, after God’s plan becomes clearer, a person can look back and recognize his presence.
“This was still hard, but I see your hand in it,” Burak said.
At other times, God’s consolation is found simply in realizing that he has entered the suffering alongside the person.
“You’re in the pit with me,” Burak said. “You’re in the valley of darkness with me.”
That kind of witness is especially powerful in a culture determined to avoid pain.
“The world is so afraid of suffering,” Burak said. “The world is so oriented to eliminating all opportunity for suffering.”
“When a Christian can unite our suffering, suffer well, suffer joyfully and suffer peacefully, that’s often when our light is brightest and our salt most salty.”
Go to War for Silence
Burak closed with a warning for men living in a noisy world filled with media, commentary and constant demands for attention.
Even good Catholic content cannot replace direct contact with God.
“There’s no substitute for reading the word of God and sitting in silent prayer,” he said.
Both practices can be difficult, especially silence for active men. That is precisely why men must fight to protect them.
“You need to, every single day, go to war for being able to be still and know that he is God,” Burak said.
He encouraged men to read Scripture itself, not only listen to someone else explain it.
“Read his actual word,” he said. “Not just a commentary on it. Not just ‘The Bible in a Year’ with Father Mike, which is great. Not just other great podcasts.”
Men need to allow the Holy Spirit to address them directly through Scripture and then become quiet enough to listen.
“Let the Holy Spirit talk to you in his word, reading it directly,” Burak said, “and then be still and silent and let him speak to your heart.”
The rules Burak received from his father are not strategies for becoming impressive. They are practices for becoming faithful.
Cultivate virtue. Embrace the adventure hidden inside ordinary life. Ask, “Will you forgive me?” Find brothers who desire your good. Work beside them toward a worthy mission. Offer suffering to Christ. Protect silence.
And above all, do not settle for being harmless, agreeable or merely nice.
Be a good man.